DAY 4

Today I slept in a little later than normal because I’m woefully behind in my sleep. I’ve averaged 3.5 hours a night since I’ve been here, which is not a lot even for me. So the first thing I did is call up my dad who is in Long Island to see his mother who has reached her finally moments.

My Grandmother is 94 and is in the hospital. She is ready to move on, after having outlived her husband and her 15 siblings (all of which ere younger than she). I have only seen her maybe three times in the last 15-20 years and feel like I barely know her, which makes me feel strange and a little sad. I never really made an effort to see her, and now that I am on the Long Island Railroad writing this in route to West Islip, I can’t help but feel a little saddened beyond the whole family member relative passing on part of it. I think of my mother and Paris, and it would bother me if Paris was in my situation and really didn’t have incredibly strong feelings about her passing away. And by that I mean that I am sad for my father and the pain he must be going through, but as for me… I just don’t really feel like it is affecting me like it should. It’s a shame, its horrible, and I’m not proud of it, but it is the truth. Perhaps its a function of the fact that when my parents split (when I was 6) we stopped visiting my dad’s side of the family. I mean I saw them a few times after that, but then when my dad moved to Texas in 1978, that was it for me. I can remember going to my grandfather’s funeral when I was 11 and that’s where the memories stop for me and the Buccellato side of the family. So I have like 25+ cousins I don’t know AT ALL. They are pretty much all older than my brothers and I, and I don’t even know their names. I could meet any one of them on the street and I’d never know we were related.

I know this is the most downerish of all my blogs, so sorry for that. But life isn’t all peaches and cream cheese, right? So here I am on the train to see my grandmother for the last time wondering if I even have a right to be there. Pretty sad, huh?

Wish me luck… I’ll tell you how it went later.

b