Sunday, April 15, 2007



I have 4 pages left to finish by today, so once again I will be filling this space with a chapter from Sex Offenders. But first I wanted to put it out there in the universe that I am strongly considering buying a 26 inch LCD TV made by Samsung. Okay, now back to our regularly scheduled programming...



Chapter 3
Edwin Rolle is a toy salesman by trade, but is certain that he is a lothario by nature. So every decision he makes, no matter how minor, must help perpetuate this image. His wardrobe, automobile, reading materials, lunch partners, and every gesture must all be consistent with the best traditions of Casanova. So he diligently researches the latest fashions to stay ahead of his less committed rivals: every other heterosexual male between the ages of fourteen and fifty. He reads every women's magazine from Elle to Glamour in order to understand what the publishing world thinks women want from a man. For daily inspiration he listens to an audio book version of the Kama Sutra on his morning drive in to work. He gets manicures and pedicures once a week. He owns a platinum membership at the local tanning salon.

When it comes to image maintenance, Edwin is without peer. Without a doubt, those that know him are certain that he is the most well kept male on the planet; a metrosexual for sure. And nothing better exemplifies this commitment to excellence, than his hair. He meticulously manages his slick hair, spending a substantial amount of time and income on the acquisition and application of the most expensive daily shampoos, conditioners, finishing rinsed, and hair management products. His upkeep is so thorough that no hair is ever out of place. Whether he is at the gym or in a wind tunnel, his thick black quaff is always perfectly arranged. He proudly displays his plumage like a medieval crest as he charges onto the battlefield in pursuit of his next conquest.

On this morning's drive from Redondo Beach to the Totally Toys offices in Century City, Edwin takes an impromptu break from his usual Kama Sutra ritual. His mind instead kicks around a new idea and needs complete peace and quiet to weigh his options. Even the convertible top of his 2006 red Ford Mustang 4.0 is up so his easily distracted brain won't have to compete with the noises of the outside world.

Edwin methodically, for him, weighs the pros and cons of sleeping with Joan Flavin, from the marketing department. He considers that as the self proclaimed stud of Totally Toys, he should have conquered the reigning company tramp by now. Since, by his count, she has slept with seven Totally Toys employees, in his mind there is no logical reason that he shouldn't be on that not-so-exclusive list. This fact, when considered along with the nagging problem that his sex-ploits have not been the object of office scuttlebutt in several months, offer no other sensible alternative. He must kill two birds with one stone by seducing Joan, a “gimmee” in his mind, so that he can once again be the object of inter-office gossip. At the same time Edwin will put to rest any doubts about his abilities because he has not yet hit a home run in the ballpark with the shortest outfield fence.

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